Archives: Holidays

Squeezing Melons

Love You Banner

Ever since middle school when we could buy carnations and have them delivered during homeroom to our paramours, I’ve kind of loved Valentine’s Day.   A gift of carnations (even in those ungodly, unnatural hues they seem to come in) says “you are JUST sexually desirable enough that a man may some day take you for a steak dinner.”

This year I might go to the grocery store on Thursday to fondle some melons and see if that spikes the interest of any single guys on the prowl at Key Foods.

What are you planning to do?  Get drunk and call your exes?

(Photo Source: Be Crafty)

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Tree Hugger

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Is there a point at which it’s no longer acceptable to have your Christmas tree up?  Is it St. Patrick’s Day?  Easter?  4th of July?

I went plastic years ago, and it just makes it so much harder to pack up the tree after Christmas.  I mean, there’s no carpet of needles on the floor.  It’s not going to dry out and burn down my apartment building because it’s indestructible.  My cat hasn’t peed in the tree stand because there isn’t one.   Help me.  I don’t know what to do, AND I’M AFRAID NO MAN WILL EVER LOVE ME BECAUSE I HAVE AN UNHEALTHY ATTACHMENT TO MY CHRISTMAS TREE.

Signed,

Someone who’s hoping to have a boyfriend by Valentine’s Day.

PS – Please don’t judge my crooked table lamp.

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Mad Love

Love Mad Lib

It’s February.  The scent of Valentines and desperation in the air is making me amorous.  I am Wookin’ Pa Nub, baby.

So why not have a little fun with this Mad Libs love story printable.  To this day, I still love Mad Libs.  There’s nothing funnier than inappropriate verb usage, amiright?!

Have fun with this downloadable Mad Lib or why not make up your own?
I’d love to hear one of your favorite love stories in the comments below!
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Happy Disc Jockey Day

DJ Crowd

Time for another edition of WonderWeird Holidays!  Happy Disc Jockey Day, folks!

According to the website Days of the Year, “Respect needs to be paid to Disc Jockeys of all levels from velvet suited wedding crooners to international superstars.”  I suspect those guys get enough bridesmaid skirt that they don’t really need my respect, but I’m willing to go along with this for that kid playing on turntables in his basement.

You HAVE to check out this list from Forbes of the highest paid DJ’s.  You will seriously NOT believe how much Pauly D from Jersey Shore makes a year.  That guy could afford enough hair product to style the Kardashian offspring for the next 2 millenia.

 

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The Christmas Spirit

Child with Christmas Present

Right about now is when – as a kid – I would get uncontrollably excited for Christmas Day.  So my guess is that right about now is when parents hit THE WALL.  You’ve been standing in cash register lines for what feels like centuries.  You’ve spent more money than you earned in all of your 20′s on toys that will give you migraines through all of your 40′s.  You will have to sell your ’03 Corolla just to afford enough batteries to power their endless whirring and beeping.

So to you, I just want to say – everything you’re doing matters, no matter how big or small.  So give yourself a moment to breathe.  Your children might not realize it now, but they will know how much you loved them when they think back on these years.  That is bigger than any gift you can give.  And it isn’t the big piles of presents under the Christmas tree that they will remember.  It’s how much you must have loved them to have gone to Wal-Mart at all ever.

*Photo Source: Nina Leen*

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12 Days of Giving

Give a Gift That Counts

We’re on the final countdown to Christmas, so – if you haven’t already – it’s a good time to start thinking about whether you might like to donate this holiday season.  I know many of you volunteer at food banks, collect coats for the homeless, and purchase toys for children – and I love that!  But on the off-chance you’re still looking for ways to do something for others, it couldn’t be easier than with Google’s Twelve Days of Giving.  Click here to visit their Twelve Days of Giving website to make quick and easy donations to a great variety of organizations that need your support – Google reveals one organization a day for 12 days with easy access to information about the charity and what your cold hard cash will do.

And if you’d like to up your charitable giving throughout the year, check out the One Today app by Google, as well!

Also, if you’d like to donate a fruitcake to me, well, don’t.

Ready, Set, Go (best synth ever):

*Photo Source: thinkspace*

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Stocking Stuffers

Santa Clothesline

I was just laughing to myself (I’m a one-woman show over here) about some of the funny traditions we had around Chanukah and Christmas in my house growing up.  I know that they say “when you stop believing in Santa, you start getting underwear in your stocking.”  But I believed in Santa until the ripe old age of 11 (this is consistent with a lifelong trend of believing in dead-end relationships), and I got underwear the whole time.

On the second night of Chanukah, my mom always gave us socks.  My mom had a depression-era sensibility (despite having been born in 1948), but I still have some of the socks I got in college, so she really has saved me a lot on sock money.

Also we always got Reese’s peanut butter trees in our stockings.  To this day, my sister and I would trample a class of kindergarten children to get to the last Reese’s Christmas trees on the shelf at Target.  We take no prisoners.

I would love to know – what are some of the funnier gift traditions in your family?

*Photo Source: Unknown*

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Christmas Caroling

I know it’s only Tuesday, but I’m a gambling woman (not really), and I’m willing to bet the house (I don’t own one) that I’m not going to find anything funnier than this video this week.

So, ladies and gents, I give you this week’s Ha-Ha Moment of the Week.

Billy Eichner and Amy Poehler go Christmas caroling around NYC.  Amy is at turns sweet, then aggressive, then sweet again.  And Billy is outrageous as usual.

Does anyone in NYC actually go Christmas caroling?  If so, can I come???  I’m usually the one moving her mouth but not making any sounds.

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12 Cookies of Christmas

photo 4

Happy Monday, everyone!

Hope you all had a great weekend!  I did 20 hours of baking and discovered one very important thing about myself: I do not like rolling dough.  I fear this rules out several possible career paths for me, but I will learn to live with that.  For now, I need to put a hot compress on my neck and my feet in a salt bath.

BUT I did it!  I baked 12 different cookies (a la 12 Days of Christmas) to share with my favorite peeps just like my mom used to, and it felt really good.  I don’t, however, recommend trying to bake them ALL in 2 days unless you have replacement body parts on-hand.

Photos from my kitchen and recipes – AFTER THE JUMP!

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Magic Piano

Well, shoot.  Amtrak is giving WestJet a run for its merrymaking money!  Chicago commuters traveling through Union Station this holiday season will be surprised by a magic piano that comes to life with a playful (and mischievous) repertoire as people walk by.  I love the musicians who break out their instruments to play along, though the little girl playing Chopsticks with her invisible duet partner was pretty darn cute, too.  (Oh, and business guy who yelled at the piano?  You need to do some serious soul-searching.)

(The piano was being played from a control room by Andrew Blendermann, but that doesn’t make this any less magical.)

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