A Jealous Letter from Someone with Pet Allergies…
I see your cat videos and Instagrams. Oh so cuddly, so furry. Look how she sticks out her sandpaper tongue at you. Look how cutely she stands on your keyboard while you’re trying to work. Bragger.
Have you ever stopped to wonder how I might feel? A cat lover without a cat, forced to look at Instagram photos of your cats lying lazily in artificially filtered sun? Stapled to my chair and made to watch as your cat kneads your pillow?
My heart is not strong enough for this. My eyes water and my chest palpitates with yearning. It is not enough for me to merely watch these cats – I must have one to call my own. I must have one to wake me up at five in the morning by standing on my face. I must have one to scratch up my furniture and claw at my guests.
I need this constant companion – no other will do. Who else will make uncomfortable eye contact with me while I’m trying to go to the bathroom?
If only they didn’t make me cough and sneeze, sniffle and wheeze. No amount of Benadryl will bring us together, my four-legged friends. If only I could pet your wet little noses without breaking out into hives or toss you a toy without also throwing myself a case of allergic rhinitis.
YouTube cats, you’re all I’ve got. Please don’t leave me.
Adam thinks he’s a writer. He kindly requests that you pretend he’s a sleepwalker and don’t wake him up from this delusion. You can follow him on Twitter at @FakeAdamCecil.
Photo Source: Favim