Horoscopes

St. Patrick Pin-Up

How on earth is it March already?  Probably time to start working on my New Year’s resolutions, huh?

I hope you had a great weekend and have an even better month ahead.  Please see what I’ve predicted in your March horoscopes below!  (I am qualified to write horoscopes because I have a computer.)

Jem and the Holograms

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
If you were a washing machine, you would be the gentle cycle. This month, channel all that quiet dedication you’re famous for into a great cause – like bringing Jem and the Holograms back to Saturday morning cartoons. Lucky Numbers: 857-6309

Elaine Dancing

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
The Zodiac’s favorite party animal, you’re probably going to dance on some tables this month. Just refresh the grip pads on your high heels, or you could end up with a broken tailbone. Then again, you’ll probably just score a date with the cute ER doctor. Lucky Days: Any Day That Ends With a Kegger

Cat Boxing

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
It’s possible that you may have to broker peace between warring nations this month. Or maybe just with your cat who seems to think your couch is edible. Your skills in diplomacy will come in handy here, so it’s very likely you will make the evening news.  Get a haircut. Lucky Institution: The United Nations

Madonna Blonde Ambition

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Unpredictable as ever, you will spend this month experimenting with wigs. The Madonna Blond Ambition ponytail is a particularly good choice for your bone structure. You may want to capitalize on your salesman-like talents and take this opportunity to get your own reality tv show. Lucky Songs: Anything by Katy Perry

Delivery Man

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Make sure to pay your Netflix bill because you’re going to do a lot of binge tv-watching this month. Delivery men in your neighborhood may start screening your calls, but remember to shave in case one of them is cute. Lucky Article of Clothing: Sweatpants

Snowball Fight

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
As leader of the pack, it’s up to you to inspire those around you to enjoy these final days of winter. Bring a bucket of snowballs to your morning meetings. Whenever someone has a bad idea, pelt them right in the sternum. Lucky Weather Forecast: Snow!

David Hasselhoff

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
If you’ve been polishing your stand-up act, now would be a good time to take it on the road. While charming the receptionist at the Holiday Inn into free continental breakfast, you will get discovered by a Hollywood agent. Or at least score some good weed.  Lucky Mistake: Being Confused for Dane Cook

Burrito

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
This month you decide to take your interest in balance quite literally and replace all the chairs in your life with balance balls. You may be forced to come out of your Libra shell after you fall off the ball during a conference call, but someone will buy you a burrito out of pity. So in the end, it’s still a win for you. Lucky Food: All Things Mexican

Andy Samberg

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
You are often misunderstood – at Starbucks they never get your name right. This month you should combat that by learning aggressive Broadway choreography. Then go to the Starbucks with your back-up dancers and show them who’s boss. Lucky Awards Show: The Tony’s

Professor

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
This month you will wonder whether it’s the wide wale corduroy pants or the tweed jacket with elbow patches that makes you look smarter. In the end it won’t matter because you aren’t typically wearing any clothes during those late-night “office hours” with your anthropology professor. Lucky Years: The College Ones

Flying Papers

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
This month, your practical nature takes the spotlight. You will finally complete your fledgling collection of Martha Stewart office supplies from Staples. If there’s any time left over, you will stubbornly insist on sewing initials into your kids’ underwear. Even though they’re in college. Lucky Days: Any Day with a P-Touch in Your Hand

Snow White

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
This month, you will resemble your favorite animal: the sloth. Though others around you may be in a hurry, you will hang upside down from tree branches and listen to a lot of jam bands. Lucky Spot in Your Home: The Serta Sleeper

(Photos: George Petty; All GIFs can be Found on Giphy.com)

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